The problem is this model was created to help people who were approaching the end of life in hospice care, not people who have experienced significant loss.

Yet, those who offer guidance to grieving folks present the model as the standard to follow. ​There is a better way, though, friend. A better way to work through your own pain or the pain of your grieving friend or family member.

To help us understand, I asked my friend Julie Lynn Ashley, a Grief Support Specialist, to explain the method she teaches her bereaved clients about. She graciously shared her expertise here with us. I hope it helps you know that you are not alone. You are not strange for zinging back and forth in the different grief “stages”. You are responding as a human being who loved deeply and thus feels the sting of loss deeply.

Here’s to hope for a healing future, friend,

Jenny

By Julie Lynn Ashley, MS Thanatology, Grief Support Specialist/Coach 

As a grief coach by vocation, a sigh of relief I see in my clients is when I dismantle the idea of orderly stages of grief, which are now considered academically and experientially out of date. 

Anyone who has been through a significant loss will tell you that while each person grieves uniquely, it is possible to feel a lot of these “stages of grief” all within the same hour…and certainly not in any particular order. Grieving people will tell you that just when they thought they had gained a little ground, a scent, a song, or seeing something at the grocery store can metaphorically “pull the rug out” from under them. Grief is not orderly; it is actually quite messy.   

All of this mirrors the “out of order” life event and the deep ache of burying a child, grieving not only all that was lost up to that point of death… but all that was to be in the future.  These thoughts and feelings all tumble around together in the mind and heart like clothes tumbling in a dryer… in anything but an orderly fashion. 

Instead of orderly stages, the concept I introduce with my clients is that of the “Dual Process Model of Grieving” (Strobe & Schut, 1999).  

If you look carefully at this model…there is a side that focuses on the loss and a side that focuses on moving forward.  The zig-zag lines in between these two models represent how a grieving person zings back and forth between these…sometimes in the same day or the same hour.  

If you are grieving, I hope this will bring any small degree of comfort that grief generally does not manifest itself in orderly sequential lines.  If you are trying to support a grieving person, I hope this will open your eyes to the fact that this model will go on for a lifetime…not 1 calendar year. Approach a grieving person with a humble respect that you truly cannot understand the deep nature of what they are going through and what they have lost, but with a strong desire to walk alongside and support where you can. 

Julie Lynn holds a Masters of Science in Thanatology (death, grief and bereavement), is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, mom to Landon and Kyle (both in college) and wife to her very best friend of 27 years, Doug, a lead pastor in Texas. Julie Lynn has worked and volunteered in the hospice industry for years developing a God-given passion to support grieving people. She has a grief support ministry (in-person and online) working with people one-on-one who need support following a death loss. Find Julie Lynn at www.julielynnashley.com and get her free grief support resource list.

The post Grief Is Not Linear; It’s a Journey appeared first on Jenny Leavitt.

Reaching out to a grieving person can be intimidating. What if I say the wrong thing? When should I call? What will help? These questions can intimidate well-meaning people into silence, which can add to the isolation a grieving person may already be feeling. I did a deep dive into these questions in the most unexpected, God-breathed journey of my life and found 3 key times to help a grieving friend.

After the last few crunched brown cardboard boxes were unloaded from the big blue moving van into my new house in Texas, I began the process of trying to get involved in my new community. An invitation from an acquaintance to volunteer at a local hospice sparked both curiosity and intimidation.

Hospice was such a juxtaposition in my mind…a mix of warm kindness yet deep sorrow. I had never entered this world before, and I knew my empathetic heart would likely be pushed to its limits.

God immediately drew my heart toward the bereavement side of hospice, and the training fascinated me. Training became the key that unlocked a tall steel door of intimidation, opening a way for me to more confidently reach out to grieving people.

In a whirlwind of heart-breaking situations, I felt the soft pillow of belonging, the gentle whisper that God created me for this and found myself staring at an application for grad school to learn even more. I learned after a hospice death loss, Medicare provides 12 months of grief support with support groups, phone calls and letters. I learned this was not enough support for most situations. And I learned about 3 strategic times to check on grieving people and the reasons why.

Before you read this list of strategic times for grief support, here are a few important caveats! First, if you get a nudge from God to reach out to a grieving person, act on it, no matter when in the grief journey it is. Grief can be very isolating and the kindness you show matters so much.

Secondly, each loss is as unique as a fingerprint, and consequently each bereaved person will grieve uniquely.

Thirdly, I have talked with grieving people who were both surprised and disheartened that the second year of grief was much more difficult than the first.

So with these caveats in mind, here are the time frames hospice staff and volunteers were trained to call and check on a grieving person, mixed with information grieving people have shared with me from their own experiences.

3 Key Times to Help a Grieving Friend

Key Time 1: 4-6 weeks after loss.

At this point after a death, most of the cards, casseroles and flowers are gone and the funeral is over. Others have gone back to “normal life” while the grieving person is left with a giant hole ripped in their life and a tidal wave of administrative work to do (obtaining the death certificate, closing accounts, opening accounts), all while in a brain fog.

The brain fog is the body’s natural anesthesia, helping the grieving person adjust to the fact that their person is gone. This brain fog can be incredibly frustrating to a grieving person who is normally very well organized. I have talked with grieving people who are either scared they can’t remember driving to their destination, or are shocked they forgot something which would ordinarily be second nature. Though this fog is temporary, it can evoke additional fear and feel like an additional loss.

Key Time 2: 6-9 months after a loss.

The finality of loss is often setting in as the brain fog is lifting. There is a realization that a loved one is not on a business trip or a vacation; and the loss — from an earthly perspective — is permanent.

This reality can evoke deep, deep sorrow. A lot of the initial flurry of administrative work is over, and some are now overwhelmed in doing the work of two people as they take on the responsibilities of the person they lost.

I have talked with widows frustrated they now have to learn things they never wanted to learn (i.e. what is under the hood of the car, how to turn on the sprinklers, where the Christmas lights get hung outside, etc) and that people assume they have “all this free time now.”

Some who were caretakers wrestle with identity issues and an entirely new daily schedule, often woven with unexplainable guilt. Grief bursts can ambush at the most unexpected and inopportune times. A widow described to me what it was like sobbing in front of the orange juice at Walmart and that people around her didn’t know what to do. Orange juice was one of the last things she brought her husband before he died. Painful reminders are everywhere.

Key Time 3: 11-12 months after loss.

The 11th month after a loss can be the most poignant of all, as a grieving person is mentally and emotionally re-living some of the last things their loved one did leading up to the one year anniversary of the loss. Mentally re-playing these final weeks can be extremely difficult and for some, re-traumatizing.

The one-year anniversary of loss can also be a day of deep sadness, yet many in the life of the grieving person may not acknowledge this day which stirs up the feelings of isolation all over again.

The common thread in these three blocks of time can be a feeling of isolation. I hope you can see the reasons why you reaching out at these time frames (when so many others will not) has the potential to be powerful in the life of a grieving person.

It is highly likely that when you call, text, bring a meal or show up to give a hug, that you may be the only one who had the courage to draw in close. Be courageous. Reach out. There is a grieving world that needs you.

Julie Lynn holds a Masters of Science in Thanatology (death, grief and bereavement), is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, mom to Landon and Kyle (both in college) and wife to her very best friend of 27 years, Doug, a lead pastor in Texas. Julie Lynn has worked and volunteered in the hospice industry for years developing a God-given passion to support grieving people. She has a grief support ministry (in-person and online) working with people one-on-one who need support following a death loss. Find Julie Lynn at www.julielynnashley.com and get her free grief support resource list.

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I’ve been busy preparing for the GodPrints audiobook launch and my very first book signing, tomorrow at Palate Coffee Company in Sanford, Florida. It’s at 5 PM and if you’re in the area, stop by! I’d love to meet you!

With that in mind, my dear friend Kelly Jo Wilson graciously provided this guest post for us. And what a timely reminder it is for all of us—me included! When the world is crazy, we can have peace! Like the Bible tells us, “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.” Proverbs 12:25 ESV

Without further ado, my friends, here is Kelly Jo Wilson with some insight into how to overcome fear when you feel anxious.

Your thoughts are swirling like hungry sharks around a wounded seal. You breathe, trying to stay present, but the negativity strikes. Your body is twitching. Not again. Your heart pounds, and your hands are clammy. Clutching your wrist, you shift your body to shake it off. One thought pierces … then another. Before long, you’re stagnant, and hours have passed. Frozen in defeat, you feel five steps backward from where you started the day.

Does that sound familiar to you?

Fear. Panic. Torment.

These are your silent enemies. Fear in small doses keeps you alert and aware and is designed for protection. But when it’s overwhelming, it affects every part of you. Your mind, body, and spirit slowly break down from it.

When you feel this way, it brings your world to a screeching halt.

The clever ways of anxiety can strike without an apparent catalyst causing it. It’s an enemy that silently attacks and makes you think it’s all your fault. Anxiety breeds fear at its root.

The prince of the power of the air is the one who facilitates these enemies.

Fear and anxiety can lead to doubt because a spirit of fear is not from God. Any doubt placed in your mind is like a festering mold. It continues to grow and infect until the damage is unsurmountable.

Uncertainty keeps you broken because when you doubt, you’re not focused on the promises God has made to you. Unfortunately, we all succumb to this at some point in our lives. Then we wander aimlessly, trying to find our purpose again.

When we’re anxious and afraid, we’re vulnerable to another attack. Satan is always ready and waiting to strike again.

But God is our protection

Jesus Christ defeated those enemies when He gave up His Spirit on the cross, died, and rose again.

He fought your battle, even the one you’re struggling with today.

When Jesus was tempted by Satan, Satan used scripture to try and make Jesus doubt God. It didn’t work because Jesus is the living Word of God. He is your Savior, who defeated sin and death.

Satan has no power over Him.

When you are covered with the blood of Jesus Christ by confessing He is the Son of God who paid your sin debt in full, Satan has no power over you either. These silent enemies have no weight in your life. You can overcome it with Jesus Christ. No matter what kind of fiery arrow is launched your way, the armor of God is your protection.

We are made of spirit and flesh. Our flesh is broken, so it’s hard for us to fully accept Jesus’ help. But the more time we spend with Jesus, the more we rest in His comfort and protection.

So How do you fight it?

Trust in God. Rely on Jesus. Submit to Him and let go of your fear.

Each of these will guarantee strength.

Just because they are simple answers doesn’t mean they are easy. You will have to fight yourself, because you will want to take the path of least resistance. That’s where you are the most vulnerable.

But when you do each of those things, it’s no longer your fight. You’ve given it up to God. And His power is everpresent.

Giving it to God doesn’t remove the merit of why you are afraid or diminish the reason to fear. Fear and anxiety are real.

But so is God.

His power surpasses all understanding. He has given us power through His Son, Jesus Christ. Once you have Jesus within you, you no longer fight alone.

Your spirit and flesh battle each other constantly in this world. When you let go and let Jesus step in for you, He will do amazing things.

You are not tagging in an equal contender. Instead, you are choosing a superior who has defeated what you are going through. Your power comes through Him.

The fear in you doesn’t disappear, but God’s peace overcomes it.

He gives you comfort and joy even in the terrifying times of your life. You have to trust Him. You have to let go. Stop trying to deal with everything on your own.

You don’t have the strength to battle without the armor of God.

You may find relief for a short time in medication, hobbies, or other substitutes that pass the time.

But there is no replacement for Jesus. He is the prince of peace. He is the only One that defeated death and rose again, conquering the world’s sin and all that comes with it.

I pray you will find His peace in this difficult time. If you haven’t accepted Jesus as your personal Savior, I pray that you open the door when He knocks. He will not give up on you.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7

Thank you for the timely reminder, Kelly Jo! Friends, let’s remember who’s on our side in this fight! And cling to this promise this week:

“Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in you.” Psalms 56:3, NKJV

Kelly Jo Wilson is devoted to serving people. She’s no stranger to a broken past of personal mistakes and heartache. Yet, God has blessed her with a house full of boys, a crazy Rottie, and a life filled with teachable moments. At seven years old, she discovered a deep love for stories, and God has called her to shift from nursing to reaching people through writing and her podcast, I Witness. Kelly’s passion is encouraging women who feel unworthy to embrace the unique purpose Jesus has for them.

Connect with her at www.KellyJoWilson.com

Check out her podcast at www.IWitnessPodcast.com

The post How to Overcome Fear When You Feel Anxious appeared first on Jenny Leavitt.

“Don’t ever let today’s disappointment cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dream.” – Unknown

A few years ago, while attending a local writer’s conference, I received news that every writer longs to hear only to have it fall flat two weeks later. My emotions twisted and turned tighter than a rollercoaster, so I prayerfully set aside time to grieve the loss of one dream and move forward toward another by creating three action steps. These steps helped me to lay aside disappointment and hit the re-set button.

It’s important to know how to handle disappointment because it’s a common emotion we experience in daily life. A dream job fizzles, friends let us down, or life simply takes unexpected detours. Let’s be honest, one doesn’t have to look far to find unmet expectations.

And yet, it’s what we choose to do with this disappointment that determines our next steps, and even our future.

From Genesis to Revelation, we read of the disappointed. There was Moses, David, Rachel, and Hannah. Elijah was so downhearted, he asked God to take his life. Disappointment can dim our perspective, resulting in long-term discouragement, the too-early release of a ministry, the loss of relationships, depression, etc.

Perhaps it’s my own struggle with depression that alerted me to its danger, inspiring me to remember the following truths. I hope in some small way, they will help you too.

Three Action Steps to Take When Disappointment Strikes

1. Be kind to yourself.

Imagine telling a friend to “get over it” when their disappointment is so new it cries when spanked. So why would we treat ourselves any differently? I gave myself three days:

• Day 1: Embrace the numbness. It tends to clip the heels of disappointment.
• Day 2: Engage in prayer.
• Day 3: Write down the next right thing to do and the specific steps required to move forward.

This structure proved helpful for my situation. Obviously, there are no time constraints for those who grieve or a 1-2-3 formula for deeper disappointments.

Maybe you’re wondering why prayer wasn’t listed on day one. I wanted to, but I was numb. Instead of beating myself up, as I’ve done in the past, I embraced it as tightly as I did my Heavenly Father’s love. God knows the time required for filtering our emotions down to the point of an offering.

2. Pray in the right direction.  

On the second day, and the following few, I noticed how my prayers were laser-focused on writing. Such as, what can I learn from these experiences? How should I proceed with the book? Should I proceed with the book?

There’s nothing wrong with these prayers. And yet, at that moment, I realized my focus was more on the writing and less on the Author. I paused, thanking God for reminding me that He’s not nearly as interested in my writing as He is with me, His daughter. It was my heart He desired above all, not my fingertips. And it’s your heart He desires above all else too.

3. Remember, God wastes nothing.

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” He works through all things for our good, even disappointment. In fact, God often uses it to spur us on to start new ministries, to serve others with more clarity, or step back and recharge.

If there was an opportunity to go back and erase the disappointment I felt after the conference, I wouldn’t take it. In fact, because of the steps taken after the disappointment, I recreated my book and as a result, landed my dream literary agent.

We never know how God will use disappointment for our good and for His glory, but we know He will, and this brings rest and refreshment for our souls.

Cathy Baker writes from a tiny studio lovingly known as The Tiny House on the Hill in the Foothills of SC. As an author, Hope Writer, and Bible teacher for over twenty-five years, she encourages women to pause and embrace the seemingly small, mundane moments of their day for God’s glory. She invites you to join her in the tiny house where you’re always welcome to come on in and take a seat. There, you’ll find a free copy of Ways to Pray Throughout Your Home. You can also connect with her on Instagram or inside her free Creative Pauses Facebook Group.

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Forward-Looking Excitement

The noise makers are put away and the confetti’s swept up. Your friends share wide-eyed, strategies for the new year. Their plans may include tackling their new year’s resolutions … choosing springtime vacation destinations … or just charting out a new vegetable garden. You watch as all this forward-looking excitement swirls around you, yet all you can do is hope for enough strength to get through the next few hours without crying. You can’t see anything good looking forward. Your goal: go to bed and somehow find the strength to get up the next day.

How can I embrace a new year when the last one left my world in shambles?

I understand what it feels like to have your legs cut out from under you. In God’s Best During Your Worst, I share how doctors found a fist-size tumor on my brain and told me I could soon die. They said, “if you have anything you want to do, anyplace you want to go to, or anyone you need to see, you have ten days to do it in.” I’m no stranger to the power that heartache and tragedy can hold over a person. Seeking God’s presence was one of the hardest parts of those ten days. Did He see me? Did He care?

Did God really love me after all?

As you start the new year, do you wonder if God loves you? I’ve heard all the questions. Here are two popular ones:

How could a good God let this happen?

Haven’t I been faithful, yet I am saddled with “this”?

I can tell you, dear friend, that God truly does love you.

John 3:16 tells us, … God so loved the world He gave His only son … He had to turn His back against His own Son when Jesus took on all the sins of the world.

I think our Heavenly Father knows pain and hurts when we feel it.

Time Test Challenge

Do you want a slice of practicality? Depression over life’s tragedy can keep you in bed—all day every day. If that’s where you are right now, I am not judging you. I understand you. But I challenge you to do a Time Test with God. It’s pretty easy, even when dealing with thoughts too dark to mention. It consists of a prayer and a bit of action on your part. The prayer goes something like this:

Father, Your Word tells me you will never leave me nor forsake me, but I feel very alone. (Name the issue of your fear. Are you angry? Disappointed? Suicidal? Be truly honest. God knows, but He needs you to tell Him exactly what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it.) Father, I’m going to set a timer for fifteen minutes and trust that You will keep me safe for that period of time. I surrender everything to You right now and trust You are in control. Amen.

When the buzzer sounds and the fifteen minutes are over, smile . . . you made it! Now, set the timer again. Do it for another fifteen minutes. Here’s your next prayer:

Father, I’ve set a timer for fifteen minutes again. You blessed me with life through the previous block of time, please help me with the next block. I can’t do this without You. I surrender my pain and situation to You. Thank You for staying close. Amen.

Do this again and again—do it all day. Change your fifteen minutes to thirty. You can do this! God will meet you. He will prove to be faithful. He loves brokenhearted people—and right now, dear one, that is you.

Tell God How You Feel

While you’re in your dark place, know that God’s waiting for you. I found it helpful to embrace my pain to the fullest. You may want to try that. Give in to all your feelings for a few minutes. Scream at God. Shake your fist. Communicate with words you may feel are not appropriate when talking to the creator of the universe.

Does that sound irreverent to you? Honestly, if you already feel those feelings and think those thoughts, know that God already sees how you feel and think. But by sharing how you feel—out loud—you’re honoring God with your honesty. And you’re being honest with yourself. God wants the intimacy with us that comes from that depth of honesty. When you’re finished with your rant, seek God’s love. He promises it will be there, waiting.

We read in Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with your heart.”

Get Ready to Write This Down

If you highlight lines in books to help you remember . . . if you want to pull out a nugget to put on an index card and tape it to your bathroom mirror or clip it to your car’s sun visor . . . if you want a phrase to repeat before you go to bed, it’s this:

Until we embrace the fact that only God is in control of our lives and not us, our faith will always falter. When we start to trust and surrender to God’s plan—when we’re ready to do a swan dive into the lap of Jesus and embrace what waits for us—our hearts will begin to heal.

Jesus is in the business of healing broken and hurting people. You are in great company when you think of all the people—contemporaries as well as historical figures—who have faced tragedy. While that truth in itself does not bring comfort, learning how others fought their way out of darkness to find light again.

As this new year begins, stop and thank God for the breath in your lungs. He designed you to survive—and more. He designed you to thrive. You may be in one of the darkest times you’ve countered. I know how those times look.

And so does your heavenly father.

Healing can happen. But that depends on you … and your willingness to seek God’s hand.

Be grateful in everything–even the bumpy rides … is Robin Luftig’s (Central Pennsylvania) mantra while either writing or speaking to audiences on healing after tragedy. The central theme to all her messages—grace is available for everyone.

She’s an award-winning author and columnist. Her non-fiction book God’s Best During Your Worst was the 2020 Golden Scroll winner and 2021 Blue Ridge Mountain Christian Writers Conference Director’s Choice winner in Nonfiction. Her first novel, Ladies of the Fire took the world by storm and was nominated for the 2021 Selah Award in the First Novel category. Her second book of the Ladies series, Ladies Uncover a Secret, was recently released and she’s currently working on the third story, Ladies on a Mission.

Luftig is a nationally sought speaker and shares stories of God’s mercy and grace at women’s retreats and conferences. She is a leader in Word Weavers International, a member of American Christian Fiction Writers (ACFW), and Advanced Writers and Speakers Association (AWSA). She hails from the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania area … but was born, raised, and lived most of her life in the Buckeye State of Ohio.

She is a wife, mother, and grandmother … plus hooked on chocolate and the Netflix series, “Sweet Magnolias.”

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